Story Submission 6
I remove some phrases that weren't needed and change verb forms. I had to fix some grammar and punctuation as well. I also change to show the reader what Daniel is feeling instead of telling them. I also space things out a bit more so the words moved better.
Mouth gaping in shock as he watches the altercation between Peter and Joshua. He glances between the two boys, a knot growing in his stomach as everyone stared at Peter in fear. Daniel grabs the shoulders of the younger kids and leads them away as Andrew came over to grab Peter. He quickly ushers his son away as more adults came to the area to get their children. Many of them whispering among themselves at what happened. His ears burn to hear it all.
"Poor boy. Barely lost his father and now he'll be forced to leave the town," Mrs. Baker said to Ms. Potter.
"Bringing the sickness into the village is a serious crime. It does not matter what the boy has been through. Peter must be cast out," another man said with a few adults mumbling in agreement.
Biting his bottom lip as the knot grew, Daniel recalled the story when someone broke The One Law. He faintly remembers the stories that his grandfather told him when he was younger. A strange man came from the forest and attack another in a fit of rage. His grandfather said the young man's face was disfigured and completely blind in one eye. The strange man was immediately cast out and many were on edge with fear. Most were afraid that The Sickness would return and wipe them out.
Daniel snaps out of his thoughts and moves the children to their parents before heading back to his own home. He enters the yard, noticing his father's figure through the window and quickly walks in to see his father glancing out the window to The Place of Secrets.
"Such a pity...the boy would've made a great worker," his father said to himself," Built like a bear. He would have been an amazing blacksmith."
Daniel and Thomas look out of the window as Peter and his father were at the door of The Place of Secrets. They continue to watch till Peter disappears into the building before turning away from the window. Daniel pauses and glances back at the window curiously.
"Do you think they will kick him out? He looked so confused at everyone's reaction," Daniel said to his father. "I've heard from Mrs. Sarah that he was brought from the forest a few months ago. He was raised differently so maybe he didn't know about it?"
"There's no point in fusing over it. What's done is done. The elder will decide if Peter will stay or leave Sanctum. Maybe another village will take pity on him and take him in?" his guess with a sigh. "He will never be allowed to return though. The sickness should never be allowed in the village again."
"How would he get to the other villages? What if he gets hurt?" The young man persisted, worried at what will happen to Peter.
His father grabs him by the shoulders as he kneels to his level. "Listen to me, Daniel. Peter is not your problem! You are not in charge of him so let it go. If he lived in the forest then he will know how to survive."
Daniel met his father's gaze and nods slowly. "Now let's go to the main square, we're late for lunch. Your mother must be worried about why we're taking so long. " The older man stands up and leaves the house not noticing Daniel's lingering stare at The Place of Secrets before leaving the house as well.
Mouth gaping in shock as he watches the altercation between Peter and Joshua. He glances between the two boys, a knot growing in his stomach as everyone stared at Peter in fear. Daniel grabs the shoulders of the younger kids and leads them away as Andrew came over to grab Peter. He quickly ushers his son away as more adults came to the area to get their children. Many of them whispering among themselves at what happened. His ears burn to hear it all.
"Poor boy. Barely lost his father and now he'll be forced to leave the town," Mrs. Baker said to Ms. Potter.
"Bringing the sickness into the village is a serious crime. It does not matter what the boy has been through. Peter must be cast out," another man said with a few adults mumbling in agreement.
Biting his bottom lip as the knot grew, Daniel recalled the story when someone broke The One Law. He faintly remembers the stories that his grandfather told him when he was younger. A strange man came from the forest and attack another in a fit of rage. His grandfather said the young man's face was disfigured and completely blind in one eye. The strange man was immediately cast out and many were on edge with fear. Most were afraid that The Sickness would return and wipe them out.
Daniel snaps out of his thoughts and moves the children to their parents before heading back to his own home. He enters the yard, noticing his father's figure through the window and quickly walks in to see his father glancing out the window to The Place of Secrets.
"Such a pity...the boy would've made a great worker," his father said to himself," Built like a bear. He would have been an amazing blacksmith."
Daniel and Thomas look out of the window as Peter and his father were at the door of The Place of Secrets. They continue to watch till Peter disappears into the building before turning away from the window. Daniel pauses and glances back at the window curiously.
"Do you think they will kick him out? He looked so confused at everyone's reaction," Daniel said to his father. "I've heard from Mrs. Sarah that he was brought from the forest a few months ago. He was raised differently so maybe he didn't know about it?"
"There's no point in fusing over it. What's done is done. The elder will decide if Peter will stay or leave Sanctum. Maybe another village will take pity on him and take him in?" his guess with a sigh. "He will never be allowed to return though. The sickness should never be allowed in the village again."
"How would he get to the other villages? What if he gets hurt?" The young man persisted, worried at what will happen to Peter.
His father grabs him by the shoulders as he kneels to his level. "Listen to me, Daniel. Peter is not your problem! You are not in charge of him so let it go. If he lived in the forest then he will know how to survive."
Daniel met his father's gaze and nods slowly. "Now let's go to the main square, we're late for lunch. Your mother must be worried about why we're taking so long. " The older man stands up and leaves the house not noticing Daniel's lingering stare at The Place of Secrets before leaving the house as well.
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